Depression because of creativity

[Saxophone]

In a mysterious way I get depressed when doing activity that demand brain power.
It's certain activities that when I do them lead to a severe depression that last 1-2.5 days since last time doing that activity, meaning if I don't do it more, then I get back to normal after those days, but if I continue to practise that creative activity the depression is going to get more severe and develop to a temporary psychosis.
The depression under this time is very strong, and I feel confined, sad, restless, irritated, hopeless, irrational...

The activities that does this are:

I get like this after I played a chess game. I wondered why, but when I play chess I use the brain extensively, like a normally don't do. That means I do heavy planning inside my brain, what move is best to do.

When drawing. I don't know why, but probably because when drawing I use the brain also here like I'm not used to. Drawing something requires much brain concentration to make it identical, and the brain concious goes into a unnatural state for me.

When writing something. But only if it's something I make up at the moment, like writing a novel, just making up something. This also leads to depression, I don't know why, but probably because I use my concious like I'm not used to.

When I meditate, also here, closing my eyes and forcing the concious to think a way or control the mind to something. Here too it leads to same depression.

There are also other activities that bring me to a similar state, not that severe like those above, not depression, but I feel unnatural after I done them. One example is when I read a novel, but only novels, not the same for news or a biology book for example. Probably because when reading a novel it takes over your concious and takes you in a another world, the world that is leading in the book. A biology book you only read facts, so it doesn't affect the concious like a novel.

I have looked for answers for this, but with the help of a psychologist and a neurologist, but also for other reasons, the reasons that is probably connected with this.
That is I feel I miss out information, I don't analyse it. For example if I watch a movie, a commercial, read a book, it seems the information just flows away without my brain taking it in and try to analyse it. Because of this I feel unsocial in social situations.
I have done some neuropsychiatric testings. The results varied, I had over normal in many sections, but also below in some. A big problem I had on the "Rey Complex Figure Test" and also they said in the end words of the result that they suspected "incoding problems".
Besides the test I haven't got much of understanding and help about my problems, despite that I have tried in many places and talked to many people, but probably the knowledge or how to diagnose here where I live in Sweden isn't that good, so they can provide me an good answer so all my mysterious questions can be answered.

Thanks for taking time to read this, and I hope I can get some help or advice in some way.

Regards

[MG (Admin)]

Have you ever been assessed for ADHD?

[Saxophone]

I'm opposite the ADHD general view. Calm in all situations, never stressed or hyperactive even under stress.
I can post some result of the neurophysiological testing:

ADHD Score: 4.15 ( AN ADHD score less than -1.80 indicates ADHD)
Executive functions (BADS): Regulation change, below average performance. Keysearching over average performance.
Sorting capabilities with strategy changes (Wisconsin Card Sorting Test): Over average performance.
Perceptual motorical speed (Trial Making Test ,A): Over average performance.
Perceptual organisation and visual memory: Immediate reproduction; Severe reduced capabiltity.

3D rCBFSpect: Normal bloodflows.

Adding more to describe my functionality is that I notice when I look at something, hear, talk I don't analyse it like I see other do it. For the most part the information just goes by me without me taking it in analysing and memorising it. This leads mostly that I'm very neutral in everything (social situation), because I have to little info to work with. It seems my brain is on rest... Although in physical things when doing PHYSICAL TRAINING, I'm very good analysing the situations and making the best of it for the best performance, In this I'm above average and have always been, and have very easy to do any kind of sports.

[MG (Admin)]

OK...a few more questions..
1) How old are you?
2) Is this something new or part of your personality?
3) You mentioned

3D rCBFSpect: Normal bloodflows.

..why was this done?..Have you done an MRI?
4) Did you take the ADHD test with ritalin also?

all the best

[Saxophone]

1) 27
2) No it has always been like this, although I started to discover it and thinking about it at age 14-15. That was in school, when I felt I lacked in social skills,
when social skills in this age became more demanding. Prior to that in compulsory school, play is priority by kids over social situations so I never thought of
it.
But thinking now to that time, I realise how many kids used their social skills, for example when the teacher read a book loud for the class, and afterwards some
students where eager to discuss what/why was happening in the story. I had not the opportunity to do it. Because even if I listened it seemed the bookreading
wasn't going into me and I wasn't able to understand it and give myself a point to later be able to join the discussion.

I managed to do well and normal in classes though, yet it in compulsory school (7-15y) the study wasn't so demanding. 10-20 pages for a test I could read through many times
and memories it.
Although in a strange way I have to read it over a limit let say 11 times to start having it memorised. If I have read it 1-9 times it's like I haven't read it at all and the knowledge
won't be memorised, but as I go over that limit, I get a good grip of it and high concentration over what I'm reading.
I have tried university studies, although it never worked, as it's too demanding with too much reading, It's impossible for me to read a 500 pages book over 11-15 times in a one
month period to get some grip of it.

3) I asked for it, I wanted to know if this dysfunction could show in this examination. CT was done as normal procedure, with normal outcome.

4) No, haven't used drugs for ADHD or any neuroleptic medication.

Thanks

[MG (Admin)]

So what was the conclusion of the neuropsychological tests?

[Saxophone]

Results: Uneven cognitive profile, problems finding a solving strategy and holding on to one strategy, suspicion off in-codingproblems.

[MG (Admin)]

Have you ever been seen by a psychiatrist?
If so what did they think?

[Saxophone]

With the results from the tests nothing showed, so they couldn't place me into a group; ADHD/ADD, "Autims", depression, or any other disability more than what I mentioned previously, with the incoding problems, and finding a good strategy and holding on to one.
They understand I have a problem with the things I brought up to them when describing that something is doing so I can't act as an average normal being, that something is restraining me, for seeing the world, analysing it and putting my own personality on it.
With this they don't know exactly why and what, so no further actions is being taken. And I don't know what more to do. Atleast I would like to get a diagnosis, so atleast I can understand the neurophysical dysfunction that is preventing me from experiencing things as it should be.

I can give some more examples for you to better understand:

When I talk with friends, let say on the phone, I feel locked. They can talk about something, and it feels like I'm not following it, not living me in the situation. Also if I get an question for example how my day was. Even if allot of things happened, it feels like it's just black, I can't take it from the memory and describing my day, it feels like actually I haven't done anything, not experienced anything, even if there is probably many things I could bring up.

Let's say watching a music video or commercial (only visual info), I can see how other understand the video, the message being brought and talking about it. For me it's just a video.

Watching a movie, a scene, I can't summarise it. It feels like I see 3 seconds, lose 15 seconds, so in the end I get a very narrow picture and understanding of what I saw and heard. And if I rewind the scene, and watch it over, I see how much I missed, it feels like my eyes and ears where closed in particular sections, like I didn't see and hear. On top of that, the things I see and hear, it's like they more or less get into my memory, but without being analysed, so I can't express a personal view of what I saw and heard.

There is a expression saying a picture can tell more than 1000 words, although that doesn't equal me.

[MG (Admin)]

Do you find yourself daydreaming or deep in thought at the times when you miss what is going on?

[Saxophone]

No, not at all. But that doesn't mean I never go on daydreaming like anyone else
But more when I was younger or in class, when you had to sit and listen to something. Because I have problems encoding what is said, with missing information, leading to it getting boring, I needed to stimulate my brain, and went on daydreaming.

Watching a movie for example there is allot of stimuli, so I get concentrated and focused, with not having any other thoughts. Although it still doesn't mean that I encode the movie. But because of the stimuli and high visual and verbal info during the movie I get focused.

[MG (Admin)]

Well if you have always been that way then there is probably no need for an MRI...if there is some kind of cognitive deterioration then this would need to be checked but it seems this is not the case.
If you have a high IQ and are able to function very well in some areas and worse in others (esp social) then it could be you have some aspects of Asperger's or even ADHD (even with the good TOVA test).
Practically speaking I would advise you speak to a cognitive / behavioral neurologist or psychiatrist about the following:-

1) Whether medical treatment of the depression you feel may help.
2) Doing cognitive tests without and with ritalin to see if that helps (I have had patients with better TOVA test results than you describe who show a massive improvement with Ritalin ).

Let us know how it goes.

mg

[Saxophone]

I would really like to speak with a neurologist, in a matter of fact I did that when I realised that the psychiatrists didn't have the knowledge to help me anymore of giving me a diagnose or helping me understand because of what I have this dysfunction.
I have always since I started noticing this connecting it with a neurological disability that is restraining me from functioning normally.

The sad part is that there isn't anything like a cognitive/behaviour neurologists that can help me further with this, atleast not in the neurological part, I have seen psychiatrist with neurological direction, specially when I was doing the test, but I didn't feel they had the knowledge of explaining it for me.

What I need is a neurologist who with his knowledge of the brains function can understand with the things I tell give some picture of what might be wrong and why neurobiologicly.

What I suspect is that my memory is connected with the dysfunction and probably I could use a neurolog with knowledge of this parts. For example a book like: The cognitive neuroscience of memory: encoding and retrieval (http://books.google.com/books?id=vlnrEZ ... q=&f=false) could probably answer question I wonder about.

The last thing I want to add is that I also recently when using a nailcarpet (using it for health benefits) I after the use of it got the same depression symptoms which I have described previously, e.g. when I paint or play chess...
Why I don't know, but maybe when using the nailcarpet, it activates parts of my brain that isn't functioning like they should (the dysfunction) and because of this the brain goes in some defense mode, with the result of depression. It's weird but that is what happens. Same thing if I practise Yoga. All this things are made for the benefit for your health but when I do it is the opposite.

Also want to add, during the pregnancy my mom was working only late shifts during the whole pregnancy, 09pm-07am. Then she only sleept for some hours 2-3, woke up to take care of my born sibling, and went to bed again approximately 04pm-07pm.
I wonder because of the opposite sleeping pattern if any hormonal influences have had any effect that led to my dysfunction? Otherwise the pregnancy went as it should, and I was born with normal weight.

[Saxophone]

As said in my previous post, and I hope it wasn't a question asked that was asked to complicated and not possible to answer, I still do wonder if not getting a complete diagnosis, which I still haven't even here in my host country where I have done the tests and spend numerous hours of explaining my dysfunction, which later led me to seek and to speak with an neurologist, although being told that the neurologist don't any more treat or diagnose this kind of symptoms and led me back to where I first started from.

You also consultet me in trying ritalin, although i'm not in favour in this medicine nor do I believe that it can do me any good and don't want to classify me as having ADD/ADHD, as I see my problem very unique that isn't a behavior problem but more a memory and encoding/(incoding) problem.

I can explain further but hope you get a clue what and how it's bothering me, which I have said that I have problems getting the info in and analysing it, and because of this I literally feel locked when someone is telling me something, I can notice how my brain tries to get the info together into a meaning although fails with the result of missing it out.
I can come up with numerous examples describing it, for example for you to understand it better, when entering a restaurant with a friend we both saw how the two chefs where arguing with each other, although I don't further analyse the situation, I just see two persons arguing, and I don't pay more interest, but my friend analyses the situation and comes up with: they are arguing, so that means the are making the food with heart, and other friend ironically said, they where just arguing because one of them probably wanted to go to the toilet.
So this is what I mean I lack in social situations...

To ask you is it possible to diagnose me, is it possible to sayl: yes this parts of the brain don't function normal because of... or you don't produce this brain hormone so that's why you have this difficulties...

Is there any medical help, and I mean medical help for "memory" or more specific encoding problems as I have so in a way my brain manages to handle this tasks?